Following the death of Pope Francis on Monday (April 21), the process to choose his successor will soon be underway.

Francis was seen as a liberal reformer: he was concerned with economic injustice and the climate crisis, and promoted tolerance towards refugees and the LGBTQ+ community. From the beginning of Israel’s genocidal war on Gaza, he made nightly phone calls to the only Catholic church in the territory, and he used his final public address to condemn the “deplorable humanitarian situation” and call for a ceasefire. All things considered, we were lucky to have him. But was he a one-off? Now that liberalism is in crisis and fascism is ascendent across the globe, are we due once again for an evil pope?

The good news is that the vast majority of the cardinals who will be voting were appointed by Francis himself. This doesn’t mean that the victory of a liberal candidate is ensured, but they might be more inclined to continue his legacy. 

Our official position here at Dazed is that the next pope should be a woman – a fabulous, gorgeous and powerful diva – but since that’s not on the cards, let’s examine the realistic options. While I don’t know much about the Catholic church, I have seen the film Conclave: armed with that expertise and insight, here is a ranking – from worst to best – of the potential candidates, all of whom I have Googled for the first time within the last hour.

WORST: PETER ERDO

Erdo is a supporter of Victor Orban, Hungary’s far-right, authoritarian prime minister, and seems to be the most conservative front-runner. According to the College of Cardinals, he is firmly against the blessing of gay unions, but he does favour “pastoral support for those suffering same-sex attraction” – very benevolent of him! He is opposed to divorced and remarried couples receiving Holy Communion, and once argued that the church shouldn’t take in refugees because doing so would be tantamount to “human trafficking”. Erdo is basically the closest equivalent to Conclave’s vaping priest (although whether he himself enjoys puffing on a Lost Mary, I have yet to confirm.)

NOT MUCH BETTER: FRIDOLIN AMBONGO BESUNGU 

It would be cool to have the first African pope (or, specifically, the first African pope in 1500 years) and I suppose you have to take into account that the Democratic Republic of the Congo, the country which Besungu represents, is culturally conservative. But even by the standards of the Catholic Chuch, he really doesn’t fuck with the LGBTQ+: he once released a statement endorsing the idea that same-sex unions are “contradictory to cultural norms and intrinsically evil” and suggested that blessing them would be akin to “cultural colonisation”.  I love you Besungu but please put down your phone or give me a call – I cannot support hate.

GROOVY: PETER TURKSON

Hailing from Ghana, Turkson is more liberal on homosexuality, although he’s hardly Marsha P. Johnson. He has opposed the criminalisation of gay relationships in African countries and argued that they shouldn’t be a criminal offence, while still considering homosexuality “objectively sinful” and suggesting that the penalties imposed by Uganda’s anti-sodomy laws – which make gay sex punishable by death – have been exaggerated. On the other hand, he is a keen guitar player who once played in a funk band, which could make him the grooviest pope yet. 

BORING: PIETRO PAROLIN

As the Vatican’s Secretary of State and Francis’s second-in-command, Parolin is the continuity candidate. As a point in his favour, the Israeli embassy to the Vatican denounced him after he suggested that Israel was violating international law, stating that its self-defence “must be proportional, and with 30,000 dead it certainly isn’t”. But while I approve of his pissing off Israel policy, I can’t get behind his opposition to gay marriage and women’s ordination, and he generally seems like a safe but boring choice.

BEST?: LUIS ANTONIO TAGLE 

This guy gets the number one spot partly because he has the kindest and most adorable face, partly because it’s time to give someone who isn’t white a spin of the wheel, and partly because his politics are among the least objectionable. As the cardinal of Manila, in the Philippines, Toggle has urged the church to become more welcoming towards gay people, divorcees and single mothers, and been described as “the Asian Pope Francis” due to his left-leaning approach. He does also believe that abortion is “a form of murder”, but this is the Catholic church we’re talking about: the next Pope isn't going to be a staunch defender of reproductive freedoms.