I think I am fearless. This is probably true for most college students. I do not feel the urgency of death or danger, so fear is an irrelevant factor in many of my decisions. 

During my gap year, I walked the alleys of Pattaya, Thailand alone at night. I rode in cramped  vans in remote parts of Guatemala. I hiked for twenty days straight. I jumped from cliffs. I ran from thieves in Amsterdam and got food poisoning from eating a little too much street food. I slept in hostels and met many fascinating — and concerning — people. I went into brothels to investigate human trafficking. I love the uncharted world and the taste of adventure. 

But being across the world is different from home. I am significantly less terrified when I am traveling, probably because I secretly do believe that I am invincible when I’m on the other side of the world. I feel fearless. Unstoppable. 

But I am not brave.

At least not when it matters. 

It is so much easier for me to take risks in a foreign country when nobody I know is watching. But at home, or here at Yale — surrounded by people I care about — I am terrified of failure. This deep fear keeps me paralyzed from action. I run away from relationships and avoid trying new activities because the pain of rejection and failure feels amplified in a place where people know who I am. I am afraid of the accountability and vulnerability that comes from being in a close community: the stakes are so much higher if I fail a test or a relationship.

Jumping from a cliff is easy. It is simply an act of shutting off the logical part of my brain and letting gravity take me. Seeking adrenaline like this is fearless, but it is not the same thing as being brave.

I think bravery looks like choosing to be content in the midst of hard circumstances or standing up for what you truly believe in, even if it means family and friends criticize you. I think bravery is choosing to put the hard work and time into friendships and relationships even when it isn’t easy. It takes bravery to forgive, to love, to dream. 

One of my best friends, when I asked her what true bravery is, said it best: “I don’t think bravery is ever not feeling afraid, because that is just fearlessness. I think bravery is when you are afraid and you just do it.”

So, I am on a quest for true bravery. I am seeking courage to embrace the hard moments of life here, and not on the other side of the world, even if this means I leave embarrassed, hurt or with unmet expectations.

However, to keep the joy of fearlessness alive, I am planning a skydiving trip. Text me if interested.